Stalin: Is it?
IT Girl: You seem troubled, can we help?
Stalin: I am very depressed, things in the world, they are troubling me so much
IT Girl: I’m sorry to hear that, could you explain
Stalin: I feel that my achievements are being overlooked da. I hear that bastard Hitler’s name all the time, but me the worlds greatest mass murderer, I barely merit a history lesson these days. I mean for a start, I was the greatest dictator of them all, not that little runt, he didn’t even have a decent moustache, and his breath stank
IT Girl: Well it’s true you were responsible for many deaths
Stalin: Millions, of course, but my cause it was necessary. Was not just, some esoteric mumbo jumbo ,I mean please, have you read any of that crap, master race…, the guy was a fruitcake da?
IT Girl: I see, and what was your cause?
Stalin: All that nonsense about purity, only the state needs to be pure, the masses, they are just numbers, but a beautiful red and golden state…, purity of government leads to purity of people
IT Girl: So all those people who died during the famines and the purges, that was to purify the state
Stalin: Exactly, I knew you’d understand, because the state is the people, and if a few who are weak, or off message, fall by the wayside, then that’s all part of the plan da!, surely you in Tort Britain must understand that by now
IT Girl: Would that be the five year plan?
Stalin: Of course, although it could be a ten year plan, or fifteen, but multiples of five only, that’s very important
IT Girl: I see, but are you sure you’re not just bitter about Hitler invading Russia
Stalin: We kicked that little shit out of Russia for good and he knows it
IT Girl: But many Russian soldiers died
Stalin: Pah! Mere statistics, his precious army were defeated because they got cold, can you imagine, the master race, beaten by a bit of bad weather – a spell in the Gulag would have toughened them up da?
IT Girl: It’s true he never reached Moscow
Stalin: Of course, and you know damn well who won the war, not your damn British Empire, or those capitalist pigs across the ocean, but still you pretend in your stupid films that your pissing about in France had anything to do with it, and it’s not like they ever thanked me .. but never forget, we held Berlin for almost 50 years,
IT Girl: But no longer, how do you feel about that?
Stalin: Those East Germans were always complaining about some damn thing, not enough bread, no cigarettes, we always made sure they had vodka but they were never happy, in fact it all just seemed to make them angrier. Let them live out their vicarious existence and die of heart attacks like big fat pigs when they are fifty, it’s all they ever deserved, we tried to help them
IT Girl: So the collapse of the Soviet Union didn’t bother you?
Stalin: Of course it did, that stupid Pope, the Poles, the Party, they have a lot to answer for.
IT Girl: And Mikhail Gorbachav?
Stalin: Yes, that was his name, you know he works for the Americans now, some say he always did da..
IT Girl: But surely the end of the cold war made the world a safer place
Stalin: Who’s safe while the tentacles of capitalism tie the world in knots, but have no fear Soviet Union will be back
IT Girl: So do you think Russia’s problems are coming to an end
Stalin: Of course, our time is coming, the great mother nation will rise again, and one day I will be revered as a great leader and you in the west will weep at our glory. And we will rekindle our alliance with China as well you know, I have some good friends over there these days, and they tell me that they could buy and sell those Yankees three times over these days ha ha..
IT Girl: Well you and Mao did go back a bit
Stalin: Ahh Mao Tse, what a guy, always such an individual you know, I miss them all
IT Girl: So what do you make of the current political situation?
Stalin: Well the war on terror is a myth of course, one day we will give you a real war and your blood will run down the streets in rivers. And we still haven’t forgotten Afghanistan either, perhaps we shall start our great new offensive there da?
IT Girl: So you still don’t support Bin Laden then?
Stalin: Well, he makes me laugh, he’s a real showman you know, always game for a laugh, but the mujahadeen will remain our enemies, just like they remain yours now ha ha, you really, how you say … oh yes .. fucked that poodle … ha ha
IT Girl: And Obama?
Stalin: O who? Oh yes. A fool, like all the rest Reagan, Eisenhower, Clinton, dogs, who will be hunted down … but that George Galloway, now I can see he’s a man of vision, I should like to meet with him and discuss strategies, he even looks a bit like me don’t you think
IT Girl: That’s interesting, I’m sure he’d like to meet you
Stalin: I like a man who knows how to earn a living da! There’s good money in politics these days,.
IT Girl: A five year plan?
Stalin: Of course, what else?
IT Girl: Finally do you ever see any of your fellow revolutionaries?
Stalin: I try and avoid them, Trotsky, well he’s just so bitter and always drunk and as for Lenin, I heard he was farming goats in Kazhakstan, no way for a revolutionary to live. And Karl, I’ve bumped into him a few times, but the problem with Marx was that he never really understood my ideas, he always misinterpreted things. The poor man never had to lead you see, just like all those bothersome anarchists in the International, well I say to them you try running a country the size of Russia
IT Girl: Well I think they were coming from a different place weren’t they?
Stalin: Weren’t we all back then ha ha.. but people change, I bear no grudges
IT Girl: And do you have any regrets?
Stalin: I’ve had a few, but there’s one thing I know for certain
IT Girl: Yes
Stalin: I did it myyyyyyy waaaaaaaaay